


Broken Spiral

by kaeorin



Series: Loki's Lullabies [35]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lullabies, Mirrors, Reader-Insert, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23920966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeorin/pseuds/kaeorin
Summary: When your brain tries to take you on yet another spiral of grim self-loathing, Loki steps in to save you.
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Series: Loki's Lullabies [35]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678240
Comments: 9
Kudos: 191





	Broken Spiral

Ordinarily, this wasn’t something you allowed yourself to spend much time doing. In a normal world, you didn’t have time to let yourself glare at yourself in the mirror. There was too much work to do. But now the world was not normal, and your work was suddenly feeling incredibly useless, and you were just so...you. Could a person get tired of being who they were? Was that possible? If it was, it was a stupid quirk of the human brain. If it wasn’t, then what was wrong with you? 

You ran your fingers through your hair and didn’t bother to fix it when you messed it up. What was the point? So what if your hair was a mess. The rest of you was, too. Maybe the outside could match the inside. You blew out a huge breath, puffing your cheeks up as you met your eyes in the glass. You really walked around out there in the world like this, didn’t you?

Well. Not lately, you didn’t, but you had in the past.

The rational side of your brain knew that that you should avoid this kind of spiral of self-loathing. It had been dark and gray outside for about four days straight now, and yesterday it had pissed rain all day. That was the reason for this mood of yours, not anything that was actually wrong with you. But knowing the cause of the spiral didn’t really help you get out of it. If anything, it gave your brain even more to fixate on: _No, stupid, you don’t hate yourself because it rained yesterday; you hate yourself because you’re awful._

You could be a real bitch sometimes.

You didn’t hear Loki’s footsteps in the hall. You didn’t realize that he’d been watching you until he came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist. At this point, you could only assume that he liked the way you flinched in his arms when he did that. Because he did that a lot. You heard him laugh quietly before he lowered his mouth to kiss your shoulder. 

You tried not to look at the two of you in the mirror. Having his perfect face there, so close to your own face, would only send you further down into that spiral. He was beautiful. Even first thing in the morning, before he got up or washed his face or brushed his hair, surrounded by sheets and pillows and the lovely warmth of the bed, he was beautiful. He’d been awake for hours now, and for the first time maybe _ever_ , you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. What was he even doing here? What gave him the right to touch you like that, like he wanted to?

“What’s that face about?” He sank his teeth gently into your shoulder, making you shiver. Sometimes a kiss wasn’t enough. Sometimes you needed teeth. Loki understood that. You just shook your head.

“That is an excellent question.” You definitely did not need him to know where your brain had gone. He’d feel like he had to reassure you, and that was just silly. You squished your cheeks together with your hands and then tried to ignore the way your lip curled in disgust. Maybe you were done with the mirror for now.

Apparently, Loki was not nearly as distracted by your shoulder as you’d thought. He caught the look you gave yourself and spun you around to face him. Which was worse: looking at your disaster-self in the mirror, or looking at his perfection in person? Maybe both. Both were worse. 

He took your face in his hands and held it tightly, brushing his thumbs along your cheekbones. His brow was heavy as he took in the sight of you. “Hey. I adore you.”

You nodded. For all your self-loathing and depressive thoughts this morning, that, at least, was something that you could not refute. Loki had proven over and over and over again that he loved you. It was clear in the way he spoke to you, the way he touched you, the things he did for you. Sometimes, when you were working, you would look up at him and realize that he was already looking at you, his face soft and undeniably lovestruck. The problem was just that, today, your brain couldn’t fathom _why_. It just kept spitting out the same litany of disgust that it often did: stupid, ugly, pointless, boring, _weak_. But at least today wasn’t the kind of day where your brain convinced you that Loki was going to leave. How could it be, when he was touching you like that and looking at you like that?

You forced a smile and reached up to close your hands around his. “I adore _you_. You are so good, and beautiful, and kind.” Maybe the rest of the world couldn’t see Loki’s kindness, but it was perfectly clear to you. He shook his head and laughed quietly, then bent down a little to kiss the tip of your nose.

“It’s not about me right now, love, it’s about you. It’s about how just the sight of you makes me forget what I’m doing, sometimes. It’s about how, when you’re sitting beside me, I sometimes have to read and reread the same page in a book over and over again because you’re so distracting. It’s about how I always want to be touching you, every part of you, because you are gorgeous and soft and warm.” 

He let go of your face, only to slip one arm around your waist and pull you in closer. With the other, he took your hand and began to lead you in a slow, quiet dance. The movement was just enough to disrupt that mental spiral of yours, and you had to stay focused on your feet so you wouldn’t step on him and add “klutz” to that nasty little mantra of yours. 

“And it’s about how you feel in my arms. Like you belong there. I have never had anything that was solely and rightfully mine, but here you are. When you put your arms around me, I feel grounded in a way that I cannot describe. And then I see your face, and you look content, like you don’t mind being here, and it makes me feel wanted for the first time.” You felt your eyebrows furrow, and started to open your mouth to reassure him, but he silenced you with a sly grin. “And every time I say something like that, you look so angry and offended for me that it makes me love you even more.”

He spun you around so you were facing the mirror again, and then pulled you backwards against his body. His hands skimmed your sides, caressed you through your clothes. It would all have been so very innocent, if it weren’t for the hunger in his eyes when he met yours in the mirror. “And your body is perfectly-formed to give and take pleasure, even if you don’t believe me. Before I had the courage to touch you, I would think about you. Fantasize about you.” He lowered his voice and all but breathed against your ear. “And when I finally had you, you surpassed every last thought I’d ever had about you. You are selfless and generous and take as much joy in giving pleasure as in receiving it.” 

Were those butterflies in your stomach? Loki was giving you butterflies again? Well, who could blame you, when he was talking to you like this? You tried to capture his hands with your own, tried to make them lie still against your body, but he would not let you. Finally he tightened his arms around your waist and sank his teeth into your shoulder again. You sighed happily and worked your fingers through his hair. This wasn’t too bad a sight in the mirror. He was gorgeous, of course, and maybe some of that spilled over onto you.

He soothed the sting of his teeth with his tongue, and then sucked lightly at the mark he’d left. “The only thing that I could ever wish to change about you is this...” You felt your spine go taut, and you might have tried to pull away, if he hadn’t read your mind and tightened his arms around you to keep you still. “I wish your lovely mind would stop tormenting you so. If I could take away whatever thoughts make you glare at yourself in the mirror and make you go stiff and quiet when you’re trying to work, I would. If only you could see yourself as I see you, love, you would never sneer at yourself like that again.” 

He took pity on you, then, and turned you away from the mirror, back to face him. His eyes were so wide and sad that you wanted to promise never to hate yourself again. But you couldn’t do that, could you? You’d spent a long time in this mind, in this body, and you knew better than to make that kind of promise. With a sad smile, you reached up to curl a strand of his hair around your finger, then tucked it behind his ear. 

He pulled your hand to his mouth so he could kiss your palm, and then pressed his forehead to yours as though trying to will all his love into you. Maybe it worked. “I love you as you are, darling, every bit of you. How can anyone improve upon perfection?”

He must have short-circuited your brain a little, because that nasty little voice had no retort. You felt yourself smile—really smile this time—and tried to rub your nose against his without moving your forehead away. He must have realized what you were doing, because he laughed and pressed a little more solidly against you. 

“Thank you, Loki.” It was a whisper. You were afraid that if you spoke any louder, your voice would crack. 

“Of course.”


End file.
